The Plymothian's guide to perpetual victimhood

ARE you convinced your life in Plymouth is a waking nightmare? Here’s how to get the most out of your imaginary victimhood.

Be livid about the most trivial of things

Has the council sent you a leaflet nagging you about not putting food in the recycling bin? This is a personal insult as bad as calling your wife a fat cow or saying your car is ‘gay’. You simplu MUST moan with enragement.

Use your own definition of ‘victim’

A ‘victim’ is usually used to describe people with actual problems, eg. they’ve been run over or murdered. Clearly this is nonsense – real victimhood is seeing a person you dislike doing the weather on TV.

Appear not to have a television or the internet

For example: if you live in Crownhill, strongly believe there is drug abuse in Stonehouse or Devonport. Places like Swilly don’t exist, and the latest gang violence outside Jesters was probably a turf war between rival merchant bankers.

But also stay well-informed about your victimhood

Constantly read the Herald, also dubbed Plymouth Live, to find out how many inches of snow we'll get today, how Brexit is to blame for world famine and the Corona virus outbreak, or how anyone with an opinion is racist.

Everywhere else is simply amazing

Don’t limit yourself to hating Plymouth – imagine that Looe is a pretentious big city awash with public cash. Probably Exeter as well. It sounds too posh anyway.

Did we miss anything? Let us know on our Facebook page.

37 views0 comments